A mom recently asked me why is her Asperger's son is so cold? His error-- not sending her a card for her birthday.
"I told him that all I wanted was a little card from him, just something to show he cares, but he completely ignores what I need." Is her son really a cold-hearted user who just takes and takes without giving anything back? THE REAL DEAL: Asperger's doesn't make people cold-hearted or even uncaring. But they DO have a HARD TIME with seeing the world from another's perspective. WHY? Because people with Asperger’s see the world from their own, mostly different, point of view. Here are some of the ways they see things differently, - A Neurotypical person walks in a meeting room and scans the people sitting around the table, maybe checking for whose the most attractive, or the most powerful, or the best dressed. They are using the moment to get a layout of what is going on in that moment and considering what is expected of them as they walk in. Maybe even coming up with strategies for how they can meet those expectations. - An Aspie walks in the same meeting room and sees the details -- the bright lighting above him, the sound of a woman's pen tapping on the table... he looks down and sees trip hazards from computer cords crisscrossing the floor. A Neurotypical person meets a new contact and looks them in the eyes while saying, "Hi. Nice to meet you." An Aspie meets a new contact and does not look them in the eye because it feels "too intense". And they may mumble, "Hi." But don't ask them what that person looked like five minutes after its over. Most of the time, they will have trouble giving you a useful description. So now that we know there's a difference. What about the son's indifference? People with Aspergers typically care about how others feel, especially people they are connected to like a mother or father or a close friend, but they are more likely to consider their own way of looking at things first and then they get stuck there. So, in this case of a mom wanting a birthday card from her son, the son might think, "I have to go out and pick something out. Then I have to get myself to a post office... I hate going to places with long lines... Before he knows it, the task has morphed into a horror show and he tells himself, he'll do it later. Oh, also PROCRASTINATION can be a b-tch for people with Asperger's. So now, his mother's birthday comes around and her son has failed to honor his mother's "simple" request for a card because it's not really that simple for him. Also, because he has difficulty taking on his mother's point of view, he wonder's, "Why is a card such a big deal?" If you ask him, "How would you feel if someone you loved didn't acknowledge your birthday?" He'd probably say, "Fine with me. I don't like a lot of attention on my birthday." SO YOU SEE: Ignoring the birthday card has very little to do with his mom, and EVERYTHING to do with how her son sees the world. If you asked him, "Do you love your mom?" He'd probably say, "Yeah. I do." But the difference between what he feels and what he THINKS and DOES can be really different. If you think you might have Asperger's and that it was missed when you were a child, I can help. Just give us a call, and we can get you scheduled for an evaluation.
Jo
8/13/2021 10:24:16 pm
Aspie is not a excuse for not putting effort. They are different people, they are not broken people. Like for a short people get the thing from high shelf involve get to the other room, get the chair, move in to this room, climb on to it, try to stretch so hard to get the things. Just thinking about it overwhelming the short people. That didn't give the short people to hope other people understand me and forgive me not taking things down. Aspie people they know what to do. That son didn't do it has no excuse. If he is not aspie the request may be book a restaurant, find a gift, wrap the gift, book a cake, get the cake. Hide the gift. All those overwhelmed things for neurotypical people. Can neurotypical people use overwhelming, too much steps as an excuse for caring for love ones? It's hard for them then they just have to put more effort. Like short people getting things! 8/18/2021 08:07:29 pm
Hi Jo,
Lori
7/24/2022 01:12:24 pm
This just happened to me! My son who lives in supported living and is early 20s didn't get me a card or anything. In fact, I didn't see him until two weeks later. I was yet again devastated. I made him buy me a hot chocolate at Costa but then he thinks that covers it all. I have to be honest, I love my son but quite often I don't like him: he's abrasive, selfish, aggressive etc. I feel like it's a one way street and although I try, he denies his diagnosis ..so I just scream silently on a regular basis in despair. We speak different languages and it's so sad. 7/25/2022 11:40:57 am
Lori, this is exactly why I wrote this post. Adult children on spectrum can be tough to handle because, by definition, they don't attach or show their feelings like other kids. I know you are feeling frustrated and helpless now. It can get better but it requires telling them what you need in very explicit and simple terms. "I love you and it's important for me that you remember my birthday. I would appreciate it if you would set a reminder on your phone/computer and call me or send me a card for my birthday." This helps him to realize how you feel, gives him practice for other relationships, and keeps it simple enough to for him to feel successful." I hope this helps. It's best if you can do it with minimal emotions, just the facts. So thankful that you reached out to share your experience. Remember, you are not alone in your frustration and hurt feelings. Comments are closed.
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Author: Dr. Elaine FosterLive the Life, Lose the Fear Archives
April 2023
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